How To Get Laid With Twitter

→ by A.V. Flox < @avflox >
at 9:30am May 18, 2009

Few things are certain in this world, but when it comes to the web, you can always count on three things: posts about Steve Jobs’s death, posts about the death of blogging, and posts about how Twitter is ruining everything. Recently, InfoWorld’s Robert X. Cringely reported on the last when he encountered the ever-growing number of tweets from porn stars.

“If you’re tweeting at a rate of once every four minutes, how do you have time to do anything else?” he asked. “Has Twitter replaced sex?”

D00d. If you have to ask, UR DOIN IT RONG.

The truth is, Twitter is probably the best way to hook up. Old-school methods of getting to know someone through their blogs and Facebook profiles is a large investment as far as time goes–and time is a luxury not all of us have. With Twitter, you can find and engage hundreds of people in your network. So how do you do it?

Represent

Flirting with a picture of an animal, painting, Second Life character or a logo is no fun. Plus, if you’re going to hook up, they’re going to see your face eventually, so get with it. Add a bio and a webpage, too. No one really reads that much any more, but no one wants to interact with a ghost, either.  

Give good tweet

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist (in most cases), to get someone to get down and dirty with you, but it helps to appear to have a functional brain. Don’t sweat it, it’s only 140 characters, not a thesis. Mix it up by retweeting things that interest you, or link to articles you’ve found online that may be useful or interesting to others (extra points if they wrote it, or if you are retweeting them).

Follow-fail

Don’t freak out if he or she doesn’t follow you back right away. People on Twitter are increasingly looking to establish better ties with their networks, so the selection process is becoming more intensive. Whatever you do, do not @reply them asking them to follow back or wondering why you can’t direct message (DM) them. That’s pushy–especially if you have engaged one another only a handful of times or, worse, not at all. Whatever you do, do not use the instant DM for follow-backs linking to your blog. No one likes a form letter–it can get you unfollowed stat.

Pay attention

Twitter enables you to see everything a person is willing to show you, which in this overshare generation is everything from what they eat to where they hang out, what they think about current events and what they’re into. Pay attention. Why? Think about it this way: I get two DMs at once. One asks a generic “how are you?” and another incorporates bacon and physics. It’s not your average conversation opener, but if you’re me, it’s spot on. All it takes is a quick browse at a person’s profile.

Reply, but not excessively

My friends and I call them “the bunny-boilers.” These are the tweeps that @reply you excessively throughout the day, to say hello, to ask how you’re doing, to tell you what they ate, to say good night, etc. Yes, it gets you noticed–but never in a good way. You should engage, but keep it on topic at least until you’re followed back.

DM with care

OK, so the crush is following you back. That means you can DM. You can get personal now, like ask them what song is playing in their head at the moment or how their weekend in Vegas went. Do not be a bunny-boiling, DM-abuser. If you want to ask them out, do so with care–do they have a busy weekend ahead? Are they even in town? Just because they’re following back does not mean you shouldn’t pay attention. Check them out before you DM. It’s nice to be thought about, but having someone ask you out while you’re, say, going through a break-up, is probably not the wisest idea.

Get flirty

Depending on who you’re following, you’ll know if it’s OK to flirt in the public timeline or keep it private. Some people use Twitter for business as well as socializing; if this is the case, you’ll want to keep it private. Don’t forget that if you move in the same circle or share an industry, your back-and-forths will be broadcast to your entire network of mutuals–and who wants that? Not to mention there is always the possibility of rejection–do you want a “no, thanks” broadcast to the public? Didn’t think so.

Take it up a notch

You’ve had public discussions, you’ve flirted on DM–now what? Now you tell them you’re into them, of course. Whether you should flat out say you want to bang them silly is up to you (and the preferences of the person you’re crushing on), but a simple, “you’re fun, let’s take this to the analog–drinks?” can work just as well. If you’ve done a good job flirting, you’ve already teased the hell out of them. And if you’ve paid attention, you know just which bar to take them and what to order before they even take a seat in front of you.

Enjoy.

About the Author: A.V. Flox

I don't kiss and blog without the details.

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