For a narcissist in training like me, you’d think online dating would make me giddy with excitement, because, oh!, I get to write all about ME. I LOVE ME! Except, you’d be absolutely wrong, because what online dating profiles do to me is give me hives and drive me to drink wine. By the jug. Or the box. Whichever one is classier and within arm’s reach at the moment. Full disclosure: I’d prefer to drink Jack Daniels by the flask, but, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, I don’t keep that kind of disaster-waiting-to-happen in the house, because the question on OKCupid was all, “What are you doing with your life?” and saying, “Drinking Jack out of a flask while sitting around in my zebra print Snuggie” probably isn’t screaming, Oh! DATE ME NOW. But, just in case, if it is? Call me. You’re The One. No doubt.
Anyways.
Where was I? Filling out my online dating profile? And, all around, kind of hating my life? Righty-o. Got it.
So, on OKCupid, I decided, before I stepped into the crazy fill-in-the-blank part of the profile, I’d answer some of the personality questions. The first multiple choice question was: If you had to name your greatest motivation in life thus far, what would it be? The choices were: 1) Love or Sex; 2) Money, Wealth, Prosperity; 3) Art, Music, Expression; 4) Intellect, Knowledge. THE HELL!? Um, all of the above? Except there wasn’t an option for that. So, if I say “sex” are they going to think I’m a total floozy who, after just a few Jack and Coke’s would be willing to skip the second and third date and just get all the way home? If I say, “money” are they going to think I’m one of those gold digger women who wants yachts and Louis Vuitton purses over something like, you know, real love? AND OH MY GOD THIS WAS THE FIRST QUESTION.
And, then, for real, I chugged some wine. Because, fuck, this was way too much pressure and for a recovering overthinker slash overanalyzer, these questions were far too general for me to even answer AT ALL. So, I skipped that question and the next one and the next one and I was all, I GIVE UP WHERE ARE MY CATS? I’m becoming a cat lady, that’s it! I’ll learn to love them and not be terribly allergic to them and I’ll pretend this whole online dating business never happened and yay! unicorns, strawberries and gold at the end of rainbows!
But, then, my logic got the best of me and was all, “Girl, you’re writing a column about dating and technology and your first assignment is to be all into online dating, so why don’t you, ya know, try that out?” And, then I was all, “DAMN YOU LOGIC YOU’RE ALWAYS SO RIGHT.” And, then I opened back up the browser and thought, “Let’s do this.”
So, I attempted to fill out the, “What are you doing with your life?” question, sent the answer to one of my friends, and she’s all, “Jamie, this isn’t LinkedIn; it’s a dating site. They don’t want your resume.”
And I’m all, “Bro. I’m proud of my damn accomplishments. Flaunt what you got, right?”
And, she’s all, “Yeah, but you sound so pretentious and la! la! look at me!”
And I was all, “But that’s kind of how I am?”
And she’s all, “But, you should probably not at all discuss that upfront. Also, you’re going to be alone forever.”
Except that conversation didn’t happen at all.
Except that she DID tell me it sounded like I was filling out a profile for LinkedIn and I did get a little bit defensive and I may or may not have taken five shots of Jack in succession if only to numb the blinding pain I was experiencing by filling out this damned online profile. Except now my answer for that question is this: “I w0rk for myslef and am a frelance write. Aslo, whisky.” Perfect. DONE.
Now I wait.
(photo by rpeschetz)
