1. You’re a total fucking snob
You got this message from someone where they spelled “with” as “wid” ON PURPOSE and, because of that, you didn’t even check out their profile, because, really, WID!? You do not want to have sex wid that person. Not under any circumstances. Not even after ten shots of Jack, which makes most bad ideas seem like Nobel Prize winners. NOT. EVEN. THEN. Same goes for getting into bed with the person who sent you a message using z’s instead of s’s, because no thankz. You’re way too fucking snobby for that bidnezz.
2. You’re way too picky
You looked at their pictures and they were wearing a red shirt and you’re all, “Ew, I don’t date people who wear red shirts” and so you closed your browser and sort of cried a little. Or, you looked at their interests and it said they actually liked reality TV. Just kidding. No one would ever publicly admit to that.
3. You are outgoing and have no idea why you are online dating when you can just go get drunk at a bar and meet someone
Isn’t it just as easy for you to go down to the bar on the corner, find a mildly attractive person and make bad decisions with them? At least that way, you won’t have to worry about filling out bullshit profiles and trying really hard to both sound exactly like yourself, but also like someone that other people might want to sleep with. Which, on most days, might be the same person, but also might not be at all. So, you can’t ever really tell. Wait, what was I saying? I’m sorry, I started drinking already. What? WHAT. IT’S HAPPY HOUR SOMEWHERE.
4. You are afraid of commitment
So, you’re attempting to sound like a serious person who wants to date, but also your answers and probably your general online-dating-vibe is that you don’t ACTUALLY want to date someone. But then you’ll get offended if they try to sleep with you on the first date. So, basically, you don’t win and your bed feels really cold and you wonder if you should have put out on last night’s date, but you didn’t because, well, MORALS. And, now you’re back to square one and you kind of think the mildly attractive person in the bar around the corner sounds enticing, except that they are only mildly attractive after lots of alcohol. So, that means they are not attractive at all. Which, whatever. WHATEVER.
5. You judge people who online date (including yourself)
You know how you say to yourself, “I don’t want to meet someone at a booty dance club, because what kind of person meets their wife/husband at a booty dance club? What would we tell the grandkids?” But then you go to the booty dance club hoping to meet someone and you realize OMG I’M THAT PERSON WHO I WOULDN’T WANT TO MEET AT A BOOTY DANCE CLUB. Oh, god. Oh, dear god. Yeah. That’s kind of how you feel about online dating.
*And by YOU, I clearly, 100% mean me.
