Hello, and welcome to Google Armed Insurgency! You may be surprised or even confused by this new feature on your Google Dashboard. But don’t worry, I’m here to explain how it all works.
You see, on Wednesday the Iranian government shut down Gmail service throughout the country. That was a bummer! So we decided to help Iranians out by shutting down the Iranian government.
While this may seem like a sudden and rash development, our engineers have been working on this problem for quite some time. Quick note to Chinese dissidents: Hang in there for the wide release, guys! This product’s in private alpha for now!
How Google Armed Insurgency Works
G.A.I. runs on a simple principle that’s worked for us many times before: User collaboration. We give the power to you, the user, in the form of free Android-powered phones and liberated S.5’56 assault rifles. (Phones come with three-month trial network access.)
Then you use that power to collaborate on a major Google project, Google Armed Insurgency. (Our product manager insisted that “armed insurgency” is redundant, but ha ha, he has been shot.) You storm Tehran, depose Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, and call Google Global Marketing VP Lorraine Twohill. She’ll put you on a conference call with the U.S. State Department, where you can personally announce the success of G.A.I.!
You’ll also get a special badge next to your Google Buzz avatar to show you’re a special member of the community.
How Google Armed Insurgency Looks
What Google Armed Insurgency Is Not
Google Armed Insurgency is only in private alpha! Participation requires an NDA – no telling, or you’ll be the first against the wall – and a Google account in good standing. No spammers in this army!
G.A.I. has no plans to spread to any other sovereign nations at this time. We’re not in the nation-building business! (WINK WINK, Chinese dissidents! No, WINK. Not squint. God no. We’re not racis– Shut up or we’ll forcibly export your personal info to Yahoo, and you know what they’ll do with it.)