The thing about my blog and my quite public online life is that when potential lovers pursue me, they have at least somewhat of an idea of where my crazy begins and, even more so, where it ends. They know I’m eccentric and anti-committal and that I curse like a sailor and that I’m nearly impossible to impress. These are things they can see readily, so, by the time they’ve wrapped their head around everything that’s actually out there for them to see and they still want to talk to me, we’re already at about Date 15. Minus the first and the second and the third and the, aaah, home bases.
Anyone who knows me online is aware that I drink copious amounts of whiskey and that I took a one-way ticket to Rome and didn’t look back for three months. They know I was Vanessa in Rome. Vanessa Simone, a made up American author writing a fake book about love and sex around the world. THEY, to be 80′s romantic comedy Molly Ringwald-ish, GET ME. AND I GET THEM. Slow clap, single tear, lollipops and gumdrops.
Yet, when I go out into the wild real world, I meet someone and I’m all, “Oh, hi, how are you?” And he’s all, “Hi” and his eyes are not on my blog or my fantastic intelligence, but instead his eyes are undressing me. And, while, all right, that’s not the worst thing in the world, it’s also not the best. Because, sometimes, when I meet someone out and about, I want to sit them down with my iPhone, open up my blog, and be all, “Take a shot of Maker’s Mark, read up, and get back to me if you’re still interested in undressing me.” Which is to say one of the best ideas I’ve ever had.
Because, here’s how I want this to go: I want to see someone cute in a bar, hand him my iPhone, tell him to read my blog, my Twitter stream, this lalawag column, and then I want him to report back to me. On a scale of 1 to Never Want to See Me Again, are you at about a 5? I can work with a 5. I can work up from the middle. Oh yeah, I can definitely work up from the middle. God, that sounds so fantastically dirty. Mmm. Mind. Wandering. Stop.
ANYWAYS.
And, then, here’s what I want my future soul mate to do. I want him to QUOTE MY BLOG BACK TO ME. Why? Because, I’m a fucking narcissist. That’s why. And, then after he quotes me back my funny, I want him to slyly attempt to make out with me and I want to play a bit coy, but not coy enough that he thinks I don’t want to make out with him. Because, eventually, I’m going to stop being coquettish and I’m going to let him make out with me and then we’re going to live happily ever after.
Because, damn it, I want the best of both worlds. I want to meet someone IN PERSON, because online dating gives me hives. Actual, motherfucking hives. So, what I want to do is throw all my online awesome at someone in person and build the best damn relationship in the whole planet of relationships.
So, THERE Universe. I KNOW WHAT I WANT, NOW GIVE IT.
