1. Give it a new name. Some of my suggestions are: Bang. Bop. Bam. Bash. Bing. Boop. Blam. The UnTwitter.
2. Allow it to expose even more about the user. So for instance, alongside your cool screen-name it should show the age you really lost your virginity, if you’ve ever had sexual thoughts about your pet(s) and if you’re an alcoholic.
3. Fire all their Buzz employees and replace them with Twitter’s entire staff. Then fire the new staff and replace them with Facebook’s crew. Keep doing this until no one knows where they started off from – it just might give you an edge.
4. Suggest serial-killers as people to follow. Surely they’re more interesting than our regular friends.
5. Instead of auto-following or, indeed, auto-suggesting, bring in auto-erotic asphyxiation as an option. Trust me; neither Twitter nor Facebook have ever even considered this. You’d be truly groundbreaking.
6. Replace the multi-colored speech balloon icon that makes you think you have mail even when you don’t with a giant dog poo. But add a smile to it. You don’t want to be that on the nose.
7. When you click on “Find People” ensure that ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends don’t show up as options. Online stalking should never be that easy as it denotes a “we’re all in this together” attitude about something very private and dysfunctional.
8. Send out a free Domino’s pizza to whoever clicks on the Buzz icon. Domino’s have admitted how lame their pizza is – even their new version of it – so it’s in keeping with your branding. Besides, it’s not like you’d have to send out that many (btw, if it DID get out of hand, you can just mail out bits of cardboard with some cheese on top).
9. Write a list of all the other more successful social media platforms you wished you’d thought of first and have a good cry. Cry it all out. You’ll feel so much better in the morning.
10. Start over and develop a program no one’s thought of yet.
