Women are worried that you, Random Guy on the Internet, are some Creepy McCreeperson who is going to stalk her in her sleep and try to cut off locks of her hair to smell when you’ve retreated to the comfort of your mother’s basement. All creepy guys live in their mother’s basement and wear dirty tighty whities and leave ignorant anonymous comments while jacking off to unsuspecting women who were all, “Let’s check out this Chatroulette thing!” BUT I MAY BE GENERALIZING.
However, us women of the technological persuasion know that, at times, a cute boy will very much like to make an impression on us. And, how do you go about that without us thinking you’re a crazy person just looking to make a voodoo doll out of us? I mean, yes, I know, my imagination is a bit out of control, but it’s probably because I watch To Catch a Predator while drinking and that means things get a little crazy all up in my head space.
But, say you’re not creepy and you actually want to hit on a girl who is funny and smart and maybe also blogs, but you have no idea what to say other than, “I swear I’m not creepy, but I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re fantastic.” And, while, okay, that might work once or twice, it’s bound to have a much less success than failure rate, so here are some tips:
1. Don’t hit on her directly
What you should do is comment on her blog (if she has one), @ reply her on Twitter, and be particularly witty with your responses. Show her that you’ve been listening, reading, and giving an actual shit about what she has to say. And oh, oh! Definitely quote her writing back to her and be all, “You know, this is a particularly poignant sentence and I think about this a lot when I’m drinking sophisticated things like wine and thinking about how I would just like to find someone who appreciates romance and multiple orgasms.” WE LIKE THIS.
2. Do not ever Poke, Wink, or Nudge her
COP FUCKING OUT. If you are interested in a girl, I cannot stress enough that if you Poke her on Facebook before even sending her the cutest email you’ve ever sent in your life, then I will personally go to your house and stab you in your poking finger. Because, you’ll go through step number one, then you’ll add her on Facebook so she can see if there is any attraction and if you actually have a life. And, if you, before even emailing her something fantastic, POKE HER ON THE FUCKING FACEBOOK, she will never speak to you again. Because, this is equivalent to using a Hallmark card to declare your undying love and signing it, “Love, me.” HOW ORIGINAL.
3. Email her and make a serious impression
Off-handed @ replies will only get you so far. What you need to do in order to get this girl’s attention is to send her a fantastically-crafted email that both states your intentions and gives her a nice little rub-down all over her ego. Show her you’ve been paying attention, because you have the advantage to impress upon her that you like this girl for her mind and not just for her gorgeous rack eyes. Us girls eat that shit right up. BELIEVE ME HERE GENTLEMAN.
4. Make an honest move
Does the girl of your dreams live in Ohio, but you live in Nevada? If you weren’t willing to take a plane out there to sweep her off her feet, then you shouldn’t have gone through steps 1-3. There’s nothing sexier than a man who knows what he wants and will take the steps necessary to get it. If you’re going to be the type of person who isn’t creepy and genuinely hits on a girl virtually, then, you better get it together and take that shit offline. Unless you just want some hot sexting and she does, too, then sigh, you go get yours. HOT SEXTING FOR THE ACTUAL WIN.
Speaking of, where the fuck is my phone? I need to go tell someone what I’d do if he were here and… yeah…
