So, there are a lot of dating sites out there. Like, name your desire and there’s not just an option on a site that will work for you, but there will be a site that has five million members all wanting to have their cat watch when you have sex with them. AND LIKE IT. Ok, so maybe that’s pushing it a bit, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I Googled a little and found something like that. People and their sex are weird. Like, weird, weird. Not, you and me weird. But, WEIRD. You know what I mean?
Of course you do.
However, here’s the thing. I’ve decided to make up my fake dating life based solely on the amount of dating sites out there and I’d like to give you a preview of my future thanks to the world of technological advancement.
Firstly, I’d like to use eHarmony to find my mate of choice and thankfully now I can expand my market to include men and women, so, this gives me 100% better odds. Or maybe 50% better odds. I’m not entirely sure since I am clearly NOT a mathematician and am now spending so much mental energy on percentages that I’ve forgotten what I’m doing all together and whoa, weird, where did this margarita come from?
Anywho.
So, I’ll find either my dream wife or husband on eHarmony because they have scientific ways to match me up with my mate of choice. And then, after a couple months of romantic bliss, I’ll join Ashley Madison to have discreet affairs with people who are either also married or who have a particular affliction for married people. Planned affairs, for the actual win!
The Ashley Madison site says, “Life is short. Have an affair.” And, boy do I agree with that! Life sure is short and of course I’d want to commit to someone and then willingly cheat on them, because I obviously understand the importance of marriage has nothing to do with that whole committing to the person you love thing, but is more about just, I don’t know, being able to say I’m married. Plus, isn’t it more attractive to singles when I’m married? Like, I’m the un-gettable, but OH! SURPRISE! I’m gettable! Thank you, Ashley Madison. Thank you.
Then, once I have both my wife/husband and then my mistress or, uh, mister? What’s the male version of a mistress? Cabana boy? Okay, great, going with that. So, once I have my wife/husband and then my cabana boy, I’ll go onto SugarDaddies.com and find, what else? MY SUGAR DADDY! Hell fucking yes. I’ll have my poppa pay for things like trips to the Bahamas and purses from Marc Jacobs while I gallivant around town with my cabana boy and check in, from time to time, with my wife/husband. Win, win, WIN.
And, if that weren’t enough to satisfy my seemingly insatiable needs, I can always, you know, check into Adult Friend Finder and get a little nookie on the side. Unless, of course, that doesn’t work out, I can just sit on Chatroulette and flash complete strangers to satisfy my incessant need for validation from the outside world. Oh, to be shallow, dishonest and impossible to satisfy. This is the life, right?
