The Future of Technology: Crowdsourcing Your Dates

→ by Jamie Varon < @jamievaron >
at 10:04am Mar 9, 2010

We’re living in the age of modern technology and there is no way to crowdsource someone’s penis or vagina? I mean, what the hell is that about? Word of mouth works great from everything to marketing to OH MY GOD GET A SNUGGIE RIGHT NOW and yet I can’t Google my date’s name and see if his previous dates enjoyed kissing him or sleeping with him or even spending a dinner with him?

I’ve found the straw that’s breaking the camel’s back when it comes to bridging the gap between dating and technology. Shit, that was a lot of metaphors. I’ve had too much coffee. Like, really too much coffee. I’m shaking a little, but ANYWAYS.

We need to find a way to crowdsource our dates. Is it going to be Yelp or Foursquare or Gowalla who is going to crack into this viable marketplace? Or will a dark horse technology company situated in a random brick-walled office in San Francisco finally find a way for us all to spot the weirdos before we’re on date six with them? I’m rooting for the dark horse, because I like the underdog and because rooting for dark horses is always pretty trendy and cool to do.

So, I’m thinking something along the lines of a Yelp check-in thing:

“You have checked into Gloria’s vagina. There are thirteen reviews and her overall rating is 3 1/2 stars. Please see the Quick Tips for her erogenous zones and what she’d like to eat after having sex with you. She prefers you leave after twenty minutes of cuddling. She’s not looking for a serious relationship, but would prefer you take her out to dinner every once in a while. Would you like to meet her Regulars? Would you like to leave a review? How about emailing Gloria’s vagina to a friend?”

THIS IS GLORY! THIS IS GENIUS! WHY AM I GIVING THIS IDEA AWAY TO ALL OF YOU! BECAUSE I’M BEING GENEROUS! GO MAKE MILLIONS CHICKADEES!

I know, I sound like I’m joking, but I’m really not. This would revolutionize the way we date, people. All we’d need to do is login to Yelp (or that soon-to-be-popular dark horse application), put in the name of our date and check to see what other people have said about them.

Yelp has changed the restaurant industry for the better, since establishments are worried about getting unfavorable reviews. This review dating site/application would be a gift to HUMANITY. People would be so much nicer to each other if they knew their behavior was going to be reviewed and that said review could potentially ruin their chances to get laid again. I’M CHANGING THE WORLD WITH THIS IDEA. RAINBOWS. UNICORNS. GOLD STARS FOR ME!

While I’m pretty sure something like this definitely has some questionable privacy concerns, I’d say that overall it’s going to do much more good than bad. Think of all the time we’re going to save by being able to see if this chick puts out by the fifth date or this guy can actually give an orgasm.

This is valuable stuff. Not to mention, all the people we’ll be able to weed out because their reviews overwhelmingly point out that they become a raging tool after the third date. Douchebags Exposed! Bitches Pwned! These are just some of the blog post titles that will be associated with various write-ups of this new application. Mashable probably already has a draft written for it by now.

I’m basically just GIVING THIS TO YOU. FOR FREE. WITH BLOG POST TITLES AND EVERYTHING.

You’re totally welcome.

About the Author: Jamie Varon

I'm in the business of being pretty and making bad decisions.

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