You know, I could run naked through the internet right now and not one person would notice unless I hashtagged it with #SXSW and even then, people wouldn’t look. Nobody cares what the hell I’m doing because everyone is off having tech-related orgies in Austin while I’m crying alone to myself into my keyboard.
All the dreams I’ve had of cornering Pete Cashmore in a dimly lit Mashable party while shoving my face onto his after I’ve taken full advantage of the open bar were squashed when I realized that neither my own company, nor anyone else I work for would be willing to pay my way to SXSW so I could be a hot, drunk mess like everyone else.
God, my life is tough.
Anyways.
You know, I actually have a weird sense of freedom since I’m one of maybe five people on the internet who aren’t at SXSW. It’s like when your parents leave town for the weekend and all you want to do is invite every guy over ever and make bad decisions with them while stealing shots from the liquor cabinet. No? Just me? Really? COME ON PEOPLE.
What am I doing? What am I SAYING? No one is reading this. I could post the cure to cancer here and people would be all, “What? You cured cancer? Oh, fuck, I was at SXSW blasted out of my mind with [insert hot tech person here]!”
I think the people who aren’t at SXSW should all get together on the internet and fuck around with the people who are in Austin. Like, we should Google bomb them. Or, tell them that something has happened with Silicon Valley and they can’t do anything about it because they are in Texas and we’re going to fix it and they’ll get none of the glory. That’ll teach people to go to tech conferences with loose morals and open bars to make said morals looser. Ha! TAKE THAT SXSW! THE INTERNET IS OURS NOW, JERKS. WE’RE TAKING IT OVER AND CURING CANCER AND YOU’RE GOING TO COME BACK FEELING TERRIBLE. AND REALLY, REALLY HUNGOVER. HA!
No, I’m not bitter, why would you say that? No, I absolutely love seeing everyone I’ve ever wanted to spend five minutes with tweeting about how they are all in one room together and “Jamie, why aren’t you here!?” I love that. Totally. In honor of how much I love that, I have been drinking wine in excess. To, you know, celebrate. Celebrate my independence. And, the fact that SXSW is stupid and sounds boring and why would I want to be having hot tech orgies? Why would I want free alcohol shared with some of my favorite people on the planet?
Fuck you, SXSW. Fuck you and your awesomeness and your free stickers and your drunken hookups and your being so goddamn expensive. Nope, not bitter. Not at all.
(Photo (cc) Kenneth Yeung – www.thelettertwo.com)
