If online relationships are perfection personified, then offline relationships are the redheaded stepchildren of love. Think about it. Everything about the online relationship is perfect. Communication is vital. Sex doesn’t get involved too quickly. Two people actually get to know each other. It’s based solely on common interests and personality compatibility. I swear to you, if I didn’t want to have sex (all the time), then I would have all my relationships online. NO COMPLICATION! YOU ANNOY ME? HA! SIGNING OFF NOW! GOODBYE!
I think that if God had another go around with this whole Build the World thing, he’d totally give cavemen the chops to invent computers so that we could all date online instead of this in person courtship bullshit. We’d see a decrease in divorce rates because people would get together based on, I don’t know, ACTUAL COMPATIBILITY?
See, offline, guys are all, “Damn, that chick has a great rack. I’m going to go talk to her.” And, he does. They pretend to be people they are not, so they can impress the fake versions of each other. They exchange numbers. They text message each other when they are drunk. They have sex. They think the other person will think poorly of them if they do not follow up after the sexing. They get into a relationship. They talk about their relationship, but all their words are, “dfgkljdfs;fgl’;kjdfglkj” and “????” and “blahblahblah” because they have no idea how to communicate with each other.
They allow a one night stand to last for five years and they fight over things like who bought the toilet paper last and, “WHY MUST YOU PUT THE CARTON OF MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE WHEN IT IS EMPTY JUST THROW IT OUT YOU SUCK AS A GIRLFRIEND LET’S BREAK UP OH JUST KIDDING LET’S STAY TOGETHER BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT TO BE LONELY EVER.”
Now, online, in comparison, is the gold medal of relationships. Because, guys are all, “Wow, this girl is so smart and pretty, I must email her.” Then, they email and ask each other questions about what they like and what they do not like and what superhero power they’d have if they could have one. And, they, you know, get to know each other in a way that has nothing to do with boobs or penis size or drunk text message booty calls. And, then they talk about meeting. And, they talk about expectations of meeting. And, they talk about if they’d be comfortable with this or if they’d be more comfortable with that. And, then they meet and they know each other in a real way and they live happily ever after and have little internet babies.
In the online relationship, there is no keypunching (lkgjd;flkgjdf;lgkjdfgk) nor are there any questions left unanswered. The! Most! Perfect! Relationship! The people involved actually have real life conversations about what they do and do not want out of the talking and talking and all the talking. It isn’t until both people have set out their expectations does the relationship move forward in any way. WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT OFFLINE? I KNOW IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO BUT WHEN THE PERSON YOU’RE TANGOING WITH IS A MORON YOU JUST STEP ON FEET AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TANGO SO THIS REFERENCE BLOWS.
Holy mother of CAPS lock. Where’s the whiskey? My dating life is turning me into a full-fledged alcoholic. But, fuck, you already knew that.
