1. You have a fiancé but you secretly ask girls for naked pictures.
See, this is the gray area where you think you’re not doing anything wrong, but I assure you, OH I MASSIVELY ASSURE YOU, that this is a big no, no. Porn is one thing. Have at it, Mr. Fiance. But asking women to de-robe and snap pictures of said de-robing? Nothing about that is gray. That shit’s black and white and you’re a total creeper for even asking.
2. You say things like, “If I wasn’t already married, I’d do x and y.”
Which is cute and flattering, but YOU’RE ALREADY MARRIED, BRO. So, the very fact that you are thinking about doing x and y to me or anyone else officially makes you pretty damn shady. I don’t want your x or your y anywhere near me because I’m pretty sure TSK, TSK YOUR WIFE WOULD NOT APPROVE.
3. You @ reply every single tweet that a particular someone posts.
Now, I get it. You think I’m funny and you think I’m cute, but MUST YOU REPLY TO EVERY LITTLE 140 CHARACTER WITTICISM I POST? MUST YOU? And, also, your avatar is a picture of a unicorn, which I think you are hoping I believe is phallic and kind of cute, but come on man, CREEPY. Always creepy.
4. There are only one or two pictures of you anywhere in cyberspace.
And the pictures you post are shadowed in a way where you could either be cute or have a deformity and no one would know. See, this is neither sly nor sneaky, because we all know about “angles” and “lighting” and how the black and white setting of your MacBook built-in iSight always makes you look really, really good. Wait. No, that’s not the point. POINT IS. You’re really fucking creepy if you only have one or two pictures and if they are in weird angles and like, don’t you have friends? Don’t you have a Facebook? COME ON MAN.
5. You start emails with, “I promise I’m not a stalker, but…”
Ah, yes, this is infamous. And, reassuring. Definitely, reassuring. Because, the best way to tell someone you’re not a stalker is to blurt out, I SWEAR I’M NOT A STALKER. You know the only thing I think when you say that? “Oh dear god, RUN.”
6. You message someone “back” on an online dating site even though they haven’t even had a change to reply to your original message.
Dude, no double message. No one thinks it’s cute. Although, someone did double message me on OKCupid and I kind of did think it was cute, but that’s the exception to the rule and believe me, you’re not the exception to the rule. You are the rule. Just, don’t. The double message is a 10 on a scale of 1 to Really, Really Overly Needy and Creepy.
7. You hit on someone and their roommate, hoping at least one of them will be interested.
Just because it’s online doesn’t mean that the roommates won’t talk. They’ll probably Gchat each other and be all, “Did this creep email you, too?!” Tsk, tsk! COMPLETE OBVIOUS FACT ALERT: GIRLS TALK. YES WE TALK ABOUT YOU AND YES WE WILL KNOW IF YOU’RE HITTING ON BOTH OF US. IT’S CREEPY. KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF.
8. You connect on Twitter/Facebook/LinkedIn at the exact same time without ever having had a conversation with the person.
I call this one the Trifecta Creep Move. Seriously? All three networks? And you’re probably commenting on my blog? I get it. You’re eager, you’re showing interest, you’re peacocking, if I may. But, tone it down there, buddy. You’re creeping me out with your follow, add, connect Trifecta Creep Move.
9. You re-add someone over and over and over on Foursquare
If I’m saying no once, adding me again is not going to make me say yes. Like, no, I do not want you to know where I am at all times. Why? Oh, let me see here. MAYBE BECAUSE I’D ENJOY NOT BEING MURDERED TONIGHT.
10. You have a list on Twitter with all cute girls that’s called, “bonestorm.”
Bonestorm? Really, bro? BONESTORM?! It’s honestly like you’re not even trying to hide the very obvious fact that you are a complete online creep. Just. Just, go. Go back to your parent’s basement or wherever online creeps hang out. It’s always the basement, isn’t it? And they are always in their underwear.
God, now I’m thinking about grown men in their underwear in a basement. Maybe I’m the online creep. God, gross. Help.
