1. You never update your profile…
My likes and dislikes change basically every single day, so the fact that my profile was written almost two months ago means that people are hitting on the very outdated version of me. They are hitting on Jamie v 1.0, whereas I’m on Jamie v 3.6, still working out the bugs, but definitely further along than 1.0. God, that was a nerdy joke. Was that too nerdy? Did you roll your eyes? It’s okay if you did. I kind of did, too. But I’m going to leave that part in, because at this point, what with this lalawag column and my own personal blog, I’m pretty sure I’ll never get a date again. I’ll have to start dating in places that don’t have Google. China? Did China ban Google yet? BRB, I’m going to Google it.
2. You never answer any of the questions or are active on the site in any way
So, most of a dating sites’ magic is primarily based around how you answer questions. Questions that apparently will tell you if you’re a match with someone else and that’s how you show up in search results and I think this is how it goes, but WHO AM I KIDDING? I don’t WORK for a dating site, nor do I have any real clear indication of how this goes. I’m just assuming. And from what I’ve assumed, if you do not answer any questions or update your profile or act in any way in accordance with being, you know, ACTIVE ON THE SITE, then, well, you kind of dissipate amongst the search results. So, APPARENTLY, if I do not regularly update my profile or answer these very insightful questions, then I will become obsolete, just a blip on the dating site registrar. What bullshit. If someone searches for a girl who is awesome and funny, I should always show up, regardless of if I update all the time. Am I right?
3. You are a design snob
Nope, I cannot date online using a site that isn’t designed beautifully. Yes, I’m a total design snob. I mean, I’m a designer and they should have a dating site specifically for designers so that the site is so pretty and beautiful that you cannot help but be inspired to have lots and lots of babies with anyone on the site. Wait. God, that’s a good idea. WHY DO I KEEP GIVING EVERYONE ALL MY BEST IDEAS? First, the Yelp-type dating site I gave you all a few weeks ago. Now this one. You’re welcome, people. Now go make millions and give me a damn cut, would you? At some point, I need to see the fruits of my labor. Or something else like that.
4. You have to actually, you know, go on dates
Despite my never updating my profile or showing up high in search results, I still get asked out on these sites and see, here is the problem. HERE IS THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK FUCK PROBLEM.
I DON’T GO ON THE DATES.
I’m always all, “I hate dating! I hate first dates! They are so awkward! I don’t even WANT A BOYFRIEND!”
And then, no joke, I’m drinking mimosas the other day and we’re doing tarot cards and I got the Sword card for my future love life. The Sword card basically tells me that if I don’t get rid of all my negative thinking about dating, then I will be dealing with betrayal and lovelessness and unhappiness and I’m like, AT SOME POINT, THE TAROT CARDS JUST PWN’D ME. And, Mom, I’m sorry for using tarot cards, I know you think they are demonic and that I might go to hell for using them, but apparently, I’m about to go to love life hell if I don’t tame my goddamn negativity.
Which is sort of a good moral to this post. Because, it’s true, isn’t it? If you put effort into something and then you’re all Negative Nancy about it, then you’re definitely not going to get good results, but it’s like, I don’t even know HOW to be positive about dating. It’s such a hassle and people are always saying that you have to go on 30 bad dates to have a good one and THIRTY BAD DA…and HERE I GO AGAIN. WITH THE NEGATIVITY!
Maybe I’ll just be celibate. Or be a nun. Yeah, a nun. Instead of all this online dating business, I just need a Bible and some serious one-on-one time with the big guy upstairs. Yep. Men of the World: please stop asking me out, I am now a Woman of God.
Well, my Mom will be proud. So, there’s that redeeming aspect of this plan.
