1. Dooce
So, here’s this blogger who gets fired for being a blogger, then, luck would have it, she becomes an internet sensation. And, on top of having The Dream Job of the Internet, she also has a hot husband and two really cute kids. And it’s like, okay, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I want kids right now or even a husband, BUT COME ON. This chick has everything, including now, NOW!, a TV show. And two bestselling books! I know that the really confident and awesome thing to do would be to be happy for her and not compare my life to hers and blah blah, but I’m sorry I’m TOO BUSY BEING JEALOUS TO CONCERN MYSELF WITH HER HAPPINESS.
2. The Pioneer Woman
I’m starting to see a pattern here, what with Dooce and Pioneer Woman. Marry hot man. Breed adorable children with said hot man. Blog about life with adorable children, pets, and very hot man. BECOME INTERNET FAMOUS! Except, there are plenty of holes in this logic and I hate it and I would like all the really pretty women with really pretty families to stop this blogging nonsense so I wouldn’t turn into some (really pretty) bitter chick who surprisingly doesn’t want to live on a ranch, but would if it meant hot rancher with successful blogging career. Also, hot rancher reminded me of jolly ranchers and now I kind of want one. The watermelon kind. SO GOOD. Let’s go get some, k? We’ll suck on the hard candy and bad mouth people we’re jealous of. YAY.
3. The Bloggess
Okay, so she’s a little nutty. Okay, A LOT NUTTY. But, she’s fucking hilarious and has this really funny husband who puts up with all her crazy and it makes me think, “AM I EVER GOING TO FIND SOMEONE THAT PUTS UP WITH MY CRAZY? WHAT IF THERE IS UNDISCOVERED CRAZY IN ME AND NO ONE WILL LOVE ME?” Except, then I cry a little and drink too much whiskey and that’s probably not the answer for anything. Except, maybe it’s the answer to everything. You let me know.
4. Facebook
“John and Gloria are now in a relationship.” “Brenda and Jake are now engaged!” WE GET IT. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, YOU PEOPLE IN HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS. Oh, you’re engaged? Yeah, well, I’m single without even one marriage prospect, so why don’t you take your Facebook Official bullshit OUT OF HERE and BE ENGAGED IN PRIVATE? You sicken me with all your happiness. SICKEN!
5. eHarmony
eHarmony makes such lofty promises in such a breezy and inconsequential way. “YOU WILL FIND LOVE.” “SCIENTIFICALLY-PROVEN TO FIND YOU LOVE.” And then you’ll sign up for it and, oh, I don’t know, NOT FIND LOVE and so all of a sudden you’re in the fetal position wondering why not even SCIENCE CAN HELP YOU FIND LOVE. You’re actually SO defective that the rules of science have completely unapplied themselves from you. That’s some bullshit, ain’t it?
6. PostSecret
So, on PostSecret, you have two different types of things: 1. really, really sickeningly cute optimism about love, or 2. really, really frightening sadness about lost love. There’s hardly any in between and it simultaneously makes me feel really hopeful, but also really depressed. It’s like, life is really shitty for some people and I’d like to live in a bubble so as to shield myself from any and all bad feelings, so please, bring me my bubble and probably my vibrator and potentially my iPhone. I think that’s all I need to feel good forever. Yep.
7. My personal blog
When I tweeted for help on this blog post, a few people responded with my blog. AS IF MY PERSONAL BLOG WOULD MAKE PEOPLE HATE THEIR LOVE LIFE. I mean, REALLY. My blog is a straight up shrine to the ridiculousness that is my love life. If anything, what I write about over there (and here, for that matter!) should make any self-respecting person feel pretty damn good about themselves. So, next time you’re all, “I HATE MY LOVE LIFE!” just think, “WELL AT LEAST IT’S NOT AS BAD AS THAT CHICK JAMIE’S. BITCH IS CRAZY.”
