No, I am not talking from experience with these. Yes, I just lied.
1. Lie to yourself
Remember that time you were all, “Oh, that person I dated? Yeah, I’m totally over them!” And your roommate rolled her eyes at you, because she could hear you whimpering in your room last night, but instead of you admitting that, you just got really drunk on whiskey and called the person you were supposedly “so over”? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME? Yeah, that time = you being a hot mess. So, next time you think you’re over a person after only two days, look yourself in the mirror and be all, “Don’t lie to me, snatch” and go be sad if you need to. Also, for the men reading this? You can call yourself “snatch” as well, but you’d probably prefer “bro” or “douche.” I’m not entirely sure what men refer to themselves as. No, “stud” is not an alternative. Shut that one down.
2. Be in love with someone, but date someone else instead
Do you ever watch Private Practice? Do you want to shank yourself after you do so? Because it’s like, Sam and Addison are in love, but Addison is with Pete and then Violet has a baby with Pete and is still in love with him. With Pete, not the baby. Come on people, KEEP UP. Like, no, Private Practice Cast of Characters, a healthy alternative to being in love with someone is definitely not to DATE SOMEONE ELSE. It’s to, I don’t know, DATE THE PERSON YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH. Fucking Addison. She’s so infuriating.
3. Fall for someone you know you can’t have
Oh! This! Is! Something! I! Love! To! Do! And by love, I mean, I want to waterboard myself when I do this. Again. And again. And then, oh wait, again? Sure, why not! It’s like no, Jamie readers, don’t be interested in someone who falls into any of the following categories: lives in another country, has a significant other, is emotionally unavailable, straight up isn’t interested. Just, don’t. Just stop the little nugget in your brain that wants to be a raging masochist and nip it in the bud before it gets to the place where, I don’t know, whiskey needs to be involved and you’re wondering how you got so pathetic and you’re considering knitting sweaters for the cats you’ll inevitably be surrounding yourself with. Just, don’t.
4. Say you want one thing, but secretly want something entirely different
You know how fun it is to be all, “No, I’m so breezy and casual, I want no commitments!” And then you totally fall for someone and, all of a sudden, you’re all, “OH JUST KIDDING, I WANT YOU TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME.” So, how about, you just don’t say the first part? Just, shhhh. Just, for example, say that you do not know what you want, but that you’d be interested in getting to know the person further, because the problem with saying you don’t want something upfront is that the other person gets into the relationship THINKING YOU WERE TELLING THE TRUTH. And, I know, I KNOW. This seems like I’m lecturing you, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, I’m more so lecturing myself. But, you already knew that.
5. Sleep with someone “casually”
There is actually one person in my life at the moment that I believe I could sleep with casually. ONE. Actual ONE. And, believe me, if you think you can sleep with someone casually and not have it ever get weird or complicated, you can’t. You just can’t. Reality is a bitch.
6. Be unable to talk about your feelings
If you are unable to talk about how you feel, then you have no, zero, ZILCH, business even involving yourself romantically with someone else. Just, step away from me the person. I’m sorry to break it to you, but no person of whom is attracted to you should get within any sort of radius of you if you are unable to communicate with them. It should be a disclaimer, a warning sign, that you need to tell anyone that is even remotely, potentially, MAYBE interested in you. “You have the right to remain uninterested. I am a person who is still unable to communicate my feelings in any sort of coherent way. Anything you say will be ignored. Proceed with caution.”
