To be real honest here, any woman at all shouldn’t tweet about these things. And, really, besides the menstrual cycle and the birth control, men should totally not tweet about anything on this list either. Just, keep it classy. Or, you know, never get laid again. Or, something like that. I don’t know. Maybe there is someone out there who wants to hear all about your 140-character poops or how you got stood up last weekend. Nothing says attractive like bodily functions and the smell of rejection. I guess?
However. Without further ado, the eight things that, you, Single Woman, should just really not tweet about:
1. Your period
No one in your entire tweet stream would like to know it’s that time of the month. PMS bitchiness or not, keep it stuffed up, woman.
2. Birth control
Congratulations, you’re having sex enough that you now need to take the pill or the patch or that thing that goes up your vagina for a long time, but either way, whatever your poison, let’s just keep the baby-stopping-procedures to a real minimum. On a scale of 1 to TMI, you’re at about an eight hundred.
3. Your insecurities
Tweeting about your insecurities is like giving people, especially men who might want to date you, an arsenal of reasons NOT TO DATE YOU. Don’t make it any easier for them, sweetie pie.
4. Any bodily functions
God. Just. Ugh. Don’t.
5. How desperate you are
You’re DYING FOR A BOYFRIEND? OR MAYBE FOR A GIRLFRIEND? HEY I DON’T JUDGE. I’M COOL WITH THE GAYS. WHY AM I TYPING IN CAPS? Ah. Okay. Um, you tweeting about your desperation makes you as screw-able as a brick wall.
6. How nobody will date you
If nobody else will date you, keep it on the hush hush, pretty thing. Why? Because, oh, I don’t know, PEOPLE WANT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT. It’s a dog eat dog world out there and I have no idea what that phrase means, but I think it fits.
7. How you got rejected
I mean, no, no one at all wants to date someone that is getting rejected all the time. WHY IS THIS NOT COMMON SENSE, LADIES!? YOU CONFUSE ME.
8. How “I’m not crazy, no, really, I’m not”
Except, yeah, that’s cute and all, but you are.
