So, here’s what I love about Apple (y’know, since you asked): they’re brazen. They just don’t give an iFork what you think; they’re going to do whatever the hell they wanna do and hope their adoring public makes it a success. And the craziest part is, it works, nine times out of ten. So that’s what my mindset always is whenever I hear anything having to do with Steve-O’s favorite company. No matter how ridiculous the story, I’m willing to humor it, because it’s Apple.
To wit: Apple is in talks with major TV companies to offer a show rental service. This would put them in direct competition with Hulu, but with the usual Apple twist: instead of a monthly fee, you’d rent episodes for $0.99. Are users ready to pay the same amount of money that buys them a song they can keep forever, for the ability to watch a show within a 48-hour time span? Before you answer, let me remind you: this is Apple we’re talking about. See my previous paragraph. Now how much would you pay? Currently “in advanced talks” with Apple is News Corp., which is the company that holds Fox. CBS, NBC, and Disney are also considering the service.
I imagine these high-level talks go something like this: “So instead of putting our shows on our sites for free, which forces us to eat the costs of hosting content that we don’t even get to directly recoup, you’re saying we can make money from them instead? I dunno, let me think about itSWEETSCREAMINGBUDDHAYESLET’SDOIT.” Then they all go out for ice cream. And by “ice cream” I mean “lap dances”.
Why this will be a success: a variant of the Stockholm Syndrome, by which captives begin to identify with their captors. It’s a guarantee that this service will only be available on an iDevice, at least until sales begin to flag, after which any 3G- or 4G-enabled thingy will have it. This means that it will be seen as a privilege to rent shows, because what, are you gonna NOT do the thing that everyone else is probably doing? Dude, I thought you were cool. I paid $50 to watch all my favorite shows this month, I don’t know what you’re watching. What? HULU? More like WHO CARES, amirite? Hahahahaha! Seriously, though, I need a loan, like whoa.
Here’s what I will pay $0.99 for:
- That episode of Emergency! where the cute girl gets her toe stuck in the tub faucet
- East Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos
- Iron Chef: Prison Shower Edition
- Any episode of Manimal
- The Star Wars Holiday Special, just so I can show random passers-by how hilariously awful it was
- Survivor: Stockton
- Senate Subcommittee Smackdown 2: Electric Boogaloo
Apple, if you’re reading this, I have a request. Be like Hulu in this one regard: have your payment model and STILL force us to watch ads. I want to see just how far you can push things before we all come after you with pitchforks. Could even you get away with that? I dunno, but I’m dying to find out! Love, Akela
