Apple, baby, why you gotta make me hate you? This is the second time I’m writing about you on Lalawag. That means that you make up 66% of my total content on this site! Dammit, Apple, isn’t 33% ENOUGH? *cries*
This past Wednesday — what the Danes call “yesterday” — Steve Jobs took the stage in shockingly aberrant attire (no turtleneck? it’s the apocalypse!) to announce a veritable slew of new products, designed to make strong men weep from desire and women go damp at the mere mention of iAnything. Only Steve-O could have the temerity in this economy to boast that Apple has 300 stores open worldwide, that they’ve shipped 120 million iOS devices, and sold 67 frillion songs through iTunes. Just once I’d like someone to hijack the visual presentation with shots of underfed children in Africa. “Oh, and One More Thing … try to feel good about Lady Gaga’s new outfit now.”
Do I own an iPod? Never mind that, let’s move on.
We will now go over what The Steve revealed. Take notes; there will be a quiz at the end of this post.
iOS 4.1
• Game Center debuted, marking the point in history that non-gamers realized with dawning horror that there is a wider world out there that they never even dared to dread. A world filled with noobs, griefers, and teh 1337. You won’t be able to enjoy Flight Control for two minutes before receiving a challenge from XxXsmokeDog420XxX to play Blood Drinking Hell Guys. And if you don’t accept, everyone on Game Center will know you’re not uber! All you wanted was a little time with Plants vs. Zombies and instead received hot, steaming shame!
• Having said that, however, “Project Sword” does look amazing, I dunno.
iOS 4.2
• Is better than 4.1! Is one more! This is notable to iPad owners for containing the functionality that should have been present at launch, but wasn’t for some reason. Apparently even Steve-O can’t crack the whip hard enough sometimes.
New iPods
• Why is everyone applauding that Apple sold 275 squidillion iPods? Is Jobs going to give us all a cut? I love that man.
• New iPod Shuffle: Yo, it’s got BUTTONS, yo!
• New iPod Nano: Dude, what? A CLIP? My iCup runneth the hell over!
• New iPod Touch: It’s an iPhone without the Phone! Which, frankly, is enough to sell me. And I may be mistaken, but I could swear I heard the president of AT&T wince when this comparison was made. It was like that moment in the Simpsons when Bart and Lisa are watching video of Ralph Wiggum’s heart breaking in slow motion. “But Steve choo-choo-choosed me!”
iTunes 10
• New logo openly disses archaic CD format. “BRING IT” says non-sentient collection of pixels. Not since Pachelbel has musical notation been so … so edgy.
• Ping: what is it? It’s Apple’s new way to make Google searches confusing.
It’s also their new social media service that purports to connect everyone in iTunes to each other, making it easy to discover new music, follow musicians to find out what they’re up to, and broadcast to the world your shameful love of Air Supply. If this results in even more people telling each other to “Ping me!” then I will have to axe murder everyone I know.
New Apple TV
• We’ve talked about this, and now it’s true: $0.99 TV show rentals. While I still can’t quite wrap my head around this one, apparently these shows will be commercial-free, which runs directly against my hope/prediction in my previous post on the subject. Listen, Big Media Companies, I get that you’re scared. You’re seeing your carefully-built empires beginning to crumble under the onslaught of the Internet. Let’s face it: people want to experience content in new ways now, and you’re just not equipped to handle that.
But I’ve said this before, and here it is again: If anyone can make this work, it’s probably Apple. Apple can make people want things that they know are stupid (Buttons! Clips! Ping me – AAARGH). So if Steve-O says “No more ads”, go with it. I know it goes against everything you have grown up believing, but a metric fuck-ton of your audience hatehatehates commercials. Give it a try. I both hope and fear that you’ll be surprised.
• Bullet points are fun.
So that was the Apple event this past September 1st, 2010. iHope it boggled you as much as it has me. Give me your comments below and let me know what you think, pro and anti. Oh, and the quiz I threatened. Q: Which of the announced products does Akela want? A: All of them.
I’m weak, people. Weak.
