2. If a guy tells you that he is “not like most guys,” then assure yourself that he is a liar and a douchecandle and take your sweet ass home.

3. If a chick tells you that she only likes hanging out with men and has no girlfriends, run. Fast. And never, ever look back. She’ll cling.

4. If you are always getting cockblocked, it’s you, not them.

5. Men: texting a woman to ask her out is appropriate if you’d prefer she think you are a pussy and completely un-screwable.

6. If you are stuck in the dreaded “friend zone” the best thing to do is stick around for your friend to drink enough that they find you attractive.

7. It’s not that “nice guys finish last,” it’s that, “men who don’t sexily and aggressively throw a woman around the bedroom finish last.”

8. How do you seduce a man? Hate commitment. Love sex. Rinse. Repeat.

9. How do you seduce a woman? Love commitment. Like sex, but also like picnics and talking about feelings. Rinse. Repeat.

10. Be open. Be friendly. Have fun. And, if all that fails, drink whiskey and find someone hotter to make out with.

(Twitter love birds illustration by Yiying Lu)

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However. Without further ado, the eight things that, you, Single Woman, should just really not tweet about:

1. Your period
No one in your entire tweet stream would like to know it’s that time of the month. PMS bitchiness or not, keep it stuffed up, woman.

2. Birth control
Congratulations, you’re having sex enough that you now need to take the pill or the patch or that thing that goes up your vagina for a long time, but either way, whatever your poison, let’s just keep the baby-stopping-procedures to a real minimum. On a scale of 1 to TMI, you’re at about an eight hundred.

3. Your insecurities
Tweeting about your insecurities is like giving people, especially men who might want to date you, an arsenal of reasons NOT TO DATE YOU. Don’t make it any easier for them, sweetie pie.

4. Any bodily functions
God. Just. Ugh. Don’t.

5. How desperate you are
You’re DYING FOR A BOYFRIEND? OR MAYBE FOR A GIRLFRIEND? HEY I DON’T JUDGE. I’M COOL WITH THE GAYS. WHY AM I TYPING IN CAPS? Ah. Okay. Um, you tweeting about your desperation makes you as screw-able as a brick wall.

6. How nobody will date you
If nobody else will date you, keep it on the hush hush, pretty thing. Why? Because, oh, I don’t know, PEOPLE WANT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT. It’s a dog eat dog world out there and I have no idea what that phrase means, but I think it fits.

7. How you got rejected
I mean, no, no one at all wants to date someone that is getting rejected all the time. WHY IS THIS NOT COMMON SENSE, LADIES!? YOU CONFUSE ME.

8. How “I’m not crazy, no, really, I’m not”
Except, yeah, that’s cute and all, but you are.

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Which brings us to the next really big issue with the internet and dating, which also leads me to believe that there are an endless amount of issues with the internet and dating but that’s neither HERE NOR THERE, so we’ll just move on to the absolute craziness that is oversharing. ALL THE OVERSHARING.

As in, no, dude, do not tell me what all your insecurities are. Because, you know what happens when you do this? When you overshare every single one of your insecurities? ALL I FOCUS ON ARE YOUR INSECURITIES. THAT MOLE ON YOUR COLLARBONE? FOCUSING ON IT. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS!

And, don’t get me wrong here, I’m possibly one of the reigning queens of the overshare, so I’m mostly writing this as a detailed and open letter to myself, but just because I CAN’T STOP OVERSHARING DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU SHOULDN’T ATTEMPT TO STOP. BE STRONGER THAN ME, PEOPLE.

I’m really sorry I keep yelling at you. It’s all the cosmos I had at dinner. No, seriously. Like, four of them. That’s a lot of alcohol. Also, I’m oversharing in my blog post about oversharing, so at some point, you’re getting a clear idea of WHO I AM. Which is to say, I’m a hypocrite. I’m telling you to stop sharing every mundane and personal detail of your life with the internet, but clearly, and I mean, CLEARLY, I can’t even look myself in the mirror and take my own advice.

Then again, am I the type of person who won’t shell out advice without taking it myself? No, my friends, I am not. So, here I go, listening to Kate Nash and standing on my soapbox, telling you that when you are talking to someone you’ve only met online, you should probably, I don’t know, STOP WITH THE INCESSANT NEED TO SHARE THINGS YOU’D NEVER SHARE EVEN IF YOU WERE, YOU KNOW, SITTING ACROSS FROM SOMEONE DRINKING LOTS AND LOTS OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES.

Like, let’s just say, for the record, that when it comes to the internet and when it comes to possibly dating someone you met from the internet, that if you are thinking of telling them something that you wouldn’t tell them after two cocktails IN REAL LIFE, then you probably should real quickly hit BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE. Is this a good rule of thumb? I think so. I know so. So, let’s follow it. Let’s ALL follow it. Including me. But not including me. Because I’m allowed to give advice I don’t take. I know better.

Except I don’t know better. And I maybe cry a lot. And drink excessive amounts of vodka that looks pink, but is terribly lethal. So, I don’t know. Ignore this. Or don’t. It’s your call.

Wait. What just happened?

It’s so cold.

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1. Lie to yourself
Remember that time you were all, “Oh, that person I dated? Yeah, I’m totally over them!” And your roommate rolled her eyes at you, because she could hear you whimpering in your room last night, but instead of you admitting that, you just got really drunk on whiskey and called the person you were supposedly “so over”? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME? Yeah, that time = you being a hot mess. So, next time you think you’re over a person after only two days, look yourself in the mirror and be all, “Don’t lie to me, snatch” and go be sad if you need to. Also, for the men reading this? You can call yourself “snatch” as well, but you’d probably prefer “bro” or “douche.” I’m not entirely sure what men refer to themselves as. No, “stud” is not an alternative. Shut that one down.

2. Be in love with someone, but date someone else instead
Do you ever watch Private Practice? Do you want to shank yourself after you do so? Because it’s like, Sam and Addison are in love, but Addison is with Pete and then Violet has a baby with Pete and is still in love with him. With Pete, not the baby. Come on people, KEEP UP. Like, no, Private Practice Cast of Characters, a healthy alternative to being in love with someone is definitely not to DATE SOMEONE ELSE. It’s to, I don’t know, DATE THE PERSON YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH. Fucking Addison. She’s so infuriating.

3. Fall for someone you know you can’t have
Oh! This! Is! Something! I! Love! To! Do! And by love, I mean, I want to waterboard myself when I do this. Again. And again. And then, oh wait, again? Sure, why not! It’s like no, Jamie readers, don’t be interested in someone who falls into any of the following categories: lives in another country, has a significant other, is emotionally unavailable, straight up isn’t interested. Just, don’t. Just stop the little nugget in your brain that wants to be a raging masochist and nip it in the bud before it gets to the place where, I don’t know, whiskey needs to be involved and you’re wondering how you got so pathetic and you’re considering knitting sweaters for the cats you’ll inevitably be surrounding yourself with. Just, don’t.

4. Say you want one thing, but secretly want something entirely different
You know how fun it is to be all, “No, I’m so breezy and casual, I want no commitments!” And then you totally fall for someone and, all of a sudden, you’re all, “OH JUST KIDDING, I WANT YOU TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME.” So, how about, you just don’t say the first part? Just, shhhh. Just, for example, say that you do not know what you want, but that you’d be interested in getting to know the person further, because the problem with saying you don’t want something upfront is that the other person gets into the relationship THINKING YOU WERE TELLING THE TRUTH. And, I know, I KNOW. This seems like I’m lecturing you, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, I’m more so lecturing myself. But, you already knew that.

5. Sleep with someone “casually”
There is actually one person in my life at the moment that I believe I could sleep with casually. ONE. Actual ONE. And, believe me, if you think you can sleep with someone casually and not have it ever get weird or complicated, you can’t. You just can’t. Reality is a bitch.

6. Be unable to talk about your feelings
If you are unable to talk about how you feel, then you have no, zero, ZILCH, business even involving yourself romantically with someone else. Just, step away from me the person. I’m sorry to break it to you, but no person of whom is attracted to you should get within any sort of radius of you if you are unable to communicate with them. It should be a disclaimer, a warning sign, that you need to tell anyone that is even remotely, potentially, MAYBE interested in you. “You have the right to remain uninterested. I am a person who is still unable to communicate my feelings in any sort of coherent way. Anything you say will be ignored. Proceed with caution.”

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2. The Pioneer Woman
I’m starting to see a pattern here, what with Dooce and Pioneer Woman. Marry hot man. Breed adorable children with said hot man. Blog about life with adorable children, pets, and very hot man. BECOME INTERNET FAMOUS! Except, there are plenty of holes in this logic and I hate it and I would like all the really pretty women with really pretty families to stop this blogging nonsense so I wouldn’t turn into some (really pretty) bitter chick who surprisingly doesn’t want to live on a ranch, but would if it meant hot rancher with successful blogging career. Also, hot rancher reminded me of jolly ranchers and now I kind of want one. The watermelon kind. SO GOOD. Let’s go get some, k? We’ll suck on the hard candy and bad mouth people we’re jealous of. YAY.

3. The Bloggess
Okay, so she’s a little nutty. Okay, A LOT NUTTY. But, she’s fucking hilarious and has this really funny husband who puts up with all her crazy and it makes me think, “AM I EVER GOING TO FIND SOMEONE THAT PUTS UP WITH MY CRAZY? WHAT IF THERE IS UNDISCOVERED CRAZY IN ME AND NO ONE WILL LOVE ME?” Except, then I cry a little and drink too much whiskey and that’s probably not the answer for anything. Except, maybe it’s the answer to everything. You let me know.

4. Facebook
“John and Gloria are now in a relationship.” “Brenda and Jake are now engaged!” WE GET IT. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, YOU PEOPLE IN HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS. Oh, you’re engaged? Yeah, well, I’m single without even one marriage prospect, so why don’t you take your Facebook Official bullshit OUT OF HERE and BE ENGAGED IN PRIVATE? You sicken me with all your happiness. SICKEN!

5. eHarmony
eHarmony makes such lofty promises in such a breezy and inconsequential way. “YOU WILL FIND LOVE.” “SCIENTIFICALLY-PROVEN TO FIND YOU LOVE.” And then you’ll sign up for it and, oh, I don’t know, NOT FIND LOVE and so all of a sudden you’re in the fetal position wondering why not even SCIENCE CAN HELP YOU FIND LOVE. You’re actually SO defective that the rules of science have completely unapplied themselves from you. That’s some bullshit, ain’t it?

6. PostSecret
So, on PostSecret, you have two different types of things: 1. really, really sickeningly cute optimism about love, or 2. really, really frightening sadness about lost love. There’s hardly any in between and it simultaneously makes me feel really hopeful, but also really depressed. It’s like, life is really shitty for some people and I’d like to live in a bubble so as to shield myself from any and all bad feelings, so please, bring me my bubble and probably my vibrator and potentially my iPhone. I think that’s all I need to feel good forever. Yep.

7. My personal blog
When I tweeted for help on this blog post, a few people responded with my blog. AS IF MY PERSONAL BLOG WOULD MAKE PEOPLE HATE THEIR LOVE LIFE. I mean, REALLY. My blog is a straight up shrine to the ridiculousness that is my love life. If anything, what I write about over there (and here, for that matter!) should make any self-respecting person feel pretty damn good about themselves. So, next time you’re all, “I HATE MY LOVE LIFE!” just think, “WELL AT LEAST IT’S NOT AS BAD AS THAT CHICK JAMIE’S. BITCH IS CRAZY.”

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Cases in point:

1. OkCupid
All right, this one is pretty obvious, but I’d be remiss to not include the online dating app amidst this list. Wink at people from your phone! Message them! Invite them over! Men to doorstep. Done.

2. GrubHub
So, the other night, I was at a bar with friends for Margarita Monday and we wanted thai food, so I downloaded the GrubHub app, ordered the delicious noodles and rice, and had IT DELIVERED TO THE BAR. As in, I didn’t even need to speak to one person or exchange any money, because the delivery guy came straight to our corner of the bar and I had already paid with my credit card. It was glorious. But, then I got to thinking that this is such a porn fantasy for women to take advantage of the delivery man and thanks to GrubHub I can order one up, choose my ethnicity, AND have dinner after. Fool proof plan, I’d say.

3. Taxi Magic
This iPhone app has saved my life numerous times, as in there was this one time where it was pouring rain and I had just bought the iPhone 3GS, so none of my apps were installed. But, I was stuck in the rain and the goddamn stupid bus decided not to show up, so I downloaded Taxi Magic and had a cab pick me up within five minutes. He was a really good driver and gave me his card and told me to call whenever I needed a taxi, so now all I need to do is signal him (kind of like the Batman signal, but maybe in the shape of a headlight, which, really, would just be the spotlight with no shape cutout, but oh my dear god, where was I?) and he’ll come to my doorstep.

So, really, at any given time, I can have men from OkCupid, GrubHub, and Taxi Magic all lined up around the block just WAITING TO TALK TO ME. Okay, yeah, so 2/3 of them want money from me in exchange for some sort of item or service, but that’s just a technicality. I don’t get caught up in the details, people, and neither should you. This iPhone app business is about bringing an abundance of men into your life and I suggest you start downloading and watch them line up.

Because, baby, you’re worth it!

I mean, what?

(Header photo from zoosk.com)

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1. You never update your profile…
My likes and dislikes change basically every single day, so the fact that my profile was written almost two months ago means that people are hitting on the very outdated version of me. They are hitting on Jamie v 1.0, whereas I’m on Jamie v 3.6, still working out the bugs, but definitely further along than 1.0. God, that was a nerdy joke. Was that too nerdy? Did you roll your eyes? It’s okay if you did. I kind of did, too. But I’m going to leave that part in, because at this point, what with this lalawag column and my own personal blog, I’m pretty sure I’ll never get a date again. I’ll have to start dating in places that don’t have Google. China? Did China ban Google yet? BRB, I’m going to Google it.

2. You never answer any of the questions or are active on the site in any way
So, most of a dating sites’ magic is primarily based around how you answer questions. Questions that apparently will tell you if you’re a match with someone else and that’s how you show up in search results and I think this is how it goes, but WHO AM I KIDDING? I don’t WORK for a dating site, nor do I have any real clear indication of how this goes. I’m just assuming. And from what I’ve assumed, if you do not answer any questions or update your profile or act in any way in accordance with being, you know, ACTIVE ON THE SITE, then, well, you kind of dissipate amongst the search results. So, APPARENTLY, if I do not regularly update my profile or answer these very insightful questions, then I will become obsolete, just a blip on the dating site registrar. What bullshit. If someone searches for a girl who is awesome and funny, I should always show up, regardless of if I update all the time. Am I right?

3. You are a design snob
Nope, I cannot date online using a site that isn’t designed beautifully. Yes, I’m a total design snob. I mean, I’m a designer and they should have a dating site specifically for designers so that the site is so pretty and beautiful that you cannot help but be inspired to have lots and lots of babies with anyone on the site. Wait. God, that’s a good idea. WHY DO I KEEP GIVING EVERYONE ALL MY BEST IDEAS? First, the Yelp-type dating site I gave you all a few weeks ago. Now this one. You’re welcome, people. Now go make millions and give me a damn cut, would you? At some point, I need to see the fruits of my labor. Or something else like that.

4. You have to actually, you know, go on dates
Despite my never updating my profile or showing up high in search results, I still get asked out on these sites and see, here is the problem. HERE IS THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK FUCK PROBLEM.

I DON’T GO ON THE DATES.

I’m always all, “I hate dating! I hate first dates! They are so awkward! I don’t even WANT A BOYFRIEND!”

And then, no joke, I’m drinking mimosas the other day and we’re doing tarot cards and I got the Sword card for my future love life. The Sword card basically tells me that if I don’t get rid of all my negative thinking about dating, then I will be dealing with betrayal and lovelessness and unhappiness and I’m like, AT SOME POINT, THE TAROT CARDS JUST PWN’D ME. And, Mom, I’m sorry for using tarot cards, I know you think they are demonic and that I might go to hell for using them, but apparently, I’m about to go to love life hell if I don’t tame my goddamn negativity.

Which is sort of a good moral to this post. Because, it’s true, isn’t it? If you put effort into something and then you’re all Negative Nancy about it, then you’re definitely not going to get good results, but it’s like, I don’t even know HOW to be positive about dating. It’s such a hassle and people are always saying that you have to go on 30 bad dates to have a good one and THIRTY BAD DA…and HERE I GO AGAIN. WITH THE NEGATIVITY!

Maybe I’ll just be celibate. Or be a nun. Yeah, a nun. Instead of all this online dating business, I just need a Bible and some serious one-on-one time with the big guy upstairs. Yep. Men of the World: please stop asking me out, I am now a Woman of God.

Well, my Mom will be proud. So, there’s that redeeming aspect of this plan.

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2. You say things like, “If I wasn’t already married, I’d do x and y.”
Which is cute and flattering, but YOU’RE ALREADY MARRIED, BRO. So, the very fact that you are thinking about doing x and y to me or anyone else officially makes you pretty damn shady. I don’t want your x or your y anywhere near me because I’m pretty sure TSK, TSK YOUR WIFE WOULD NOT APPROVE.

3. You @ reply every single tweet that a particular someone posts.
Now, I get it. You think I’m funny and you think I’m cute, but MUST YOU REPLY TO EVERY LITTLE 140 CHARACTER WITTICISM I POST? MUST YOU? And, also, your avatar is a picture of a unicorn, which I think you are hoping I believe is phallic and kind of cute, but come on man, CREEPY. Always creepy.

4. There are only one or two pictures of you anywhere in cyberspace.
And the pictures you post are shadowed in a way where you could either be cute or have a deformity and no one would know. See, this is neither sly nor sneaky, because we all know about “angles” and “lighting” and how the black and white setting of your MacBook built-in iSight always makes you look really, really good. Wait. No, that’s not the point. POINT IS. You’re really fucking creepy if you only have one or two pictures and if they are in weird angles and like, don’t you have friends? Don’t you have a Facebook? COME ON MAN.

5. You start emails with, “I promise I’m not a stalker, but…”
Ah, yes, this is infamous. And, reassuring. Definitely, reassuring. Because, the best way to tell someone you’re not a stalker is to blurt out, I SWEAR I’M NOT A STALKER. You know the only thing I think when you say that? “Oh dear god, RUN.”

6. You message someone “back” on an online dating site even though they haven’t even had a change to reply to your original message.
Dude, no double message. No one thinks it’s cute. Although, someone did double message me on OKCupid and I kind of did think it was cute, but that’s the exception to the rule and believe me, you’re not the exception to the rule. You are the rule. Just, don’t. The double message is a 10 on a scale of 1 to Really, Really Overly Needy and Creepy.

7. You hit on someone and their roommate, hoping at least one of them will be interested.
Just because it’s online doesn’t mean that the roommates won’t talk. They’ll probably Gchat each other and be all, “Did this creep email you, too?!” Tsk, tsk! COMPLETE OBVIOUS FACT ALERT: GIRLS TALK. YES WE TALK ABOUT YOU AND YES WE WILL KNOW IF YOU’RE HITTING ON BOTH OF US. IT’S CREEPY. KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF.

8. You connect on Twitter/Facebook/LinkedIn at the exact same time without ever having had a conversation with the person.
I call this one the Trifecta Creep Move. Seriously? All three networks? And you’re probably commenting on my blog? I get it. You’re eager, you’re showing interest, you’re peacocking, if I may. But, tone it down there, buddy. You’re creeping me out with your follow, add, connect Trifecta Creep Move.

9. You re-add someone over and over and over on Foursquare
If I’m saying no once, adding me again is not going to make me say yes. Like, no, I do not want you to know where I am at all times. Why? Oh, let me see here. MAYBE BECAUSE I’D ENJOY NOT BEING MURDERED TONIGHT.

10. You have a list on Twitter with all cute girls that’s called, “bonestorm.”
Bonestorm? Really, bro? BONESTORM?! It’s honestly like you’re not even trying to hide the very obvious fact that you are a complete online creep. Just. Just, go. Go back to your parent’s basement or wherever online creeps hang out. It’s always the basement, isn’t it? And they are always in their underwear.

God, now I’m thinking about grown men in their underwear in a basement. Maybe I’m the online creep. God, gross. Help.

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I think that if God had another go around with this whole Build the World thing, he’d totally give cavemen the chops to invent computers so that we could all date online instead of this in person courtship bullshit. We’d see a decrease in divorce rates because people would get together based on, I don’t know, ACTUAL COMPATIBILITY?

See, offline, guys are all, “Damn, that chick has a great rack. I’m going to go talk to her.” And, he does. They pretend to be people they are not, so they can impress the fake versions of each other. They exchange numbers. They text message each other when they are drunk. They have sex. They think the other person will think poorly of them if they do not follow up after the sexing. They get into a relationship. They talk about their relationship, but all their words are, “dfgkljdfs;fgl’;kjdfglkj” and “????” and “blahblahblah” because they have no idea how to communicate with each other.

They allow a one night stand to last for five years and they fight over things like who bought the toilet paper last and, “WHY MUST YOU PUT THE CARTON OF MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE WHEN IT IS EMPTY JUST THROW IT OUT YOU SUCK AS A GIRLFRIEND LET’S BREAK UP OH JUST KIDDING LET’S STAY TOGETHER BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT TO BE LONELY EVER.”

Now, online, in comparison, is the gold medal of relationships. Because, guys are all, “Wow, this girl is so smart and pretty, I must email her.” Then, they email and ask each other questions about what they like and what they do not like and what superhero power they’d have if they could have one. And, they, you know, get to know each other in a way that has nothing to do with boobs or penis size or drunk text message booty calls. And, then they talk about meeting. And, they talk about expectations of meeting. And, they talk about if they’d be comfortable with this or if they’d be more comfortable with that. And, then they meet and they know each other in a real way and they live happily ever after and have little internet babies.

In the online relationship, there is no keypunching (lkgjd;flkgjdf;lgkjdfgk) nor are there any questions left unanswered. The! Most! Perfect! Relationship! The people involved actually have real life conversations about what they do and do not want out of the talking and talking and all the talking. It isn’t until both people have set out their expectations does the relationship move forward in any way. WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT OFFLINE? I KNOW IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO BUT WHEN THE PERSON YOU’RE TANGOING WITH IS A MORON YOU JUST STEP ON FEET AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TANGO SO THIS REFERENCE BLOWS.

Holy mother of CAPS lock. Where’s the whiskey? My dating life is turning me into a full-fledged alcoholic. But, fuck, you already knew that.

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Unfortunately for me, there are very few people who actually keep my attention for two weeks and now that I’ve told myself I will adhere to this rule quite strictly, my potential pool of Men I’d Like to Talk to More has decreased so significantly that I’m thinking of making it a Two Day Rule. Hey, at least I wouldn’t be sleeping alone. This is what the cool kids (AKA, myself and my roommate) call “Goal Settling.” You can use that. Go on, you know you want to.

This Two Week Rule comes in especially handy when I meet someone online. Considering all you can do is talk and express yourself when you meet online, if, after two weeks, I’m still waiting to hear from them and am excited about the potential of them pushing me up against a wall, then, well, shit’s for real. Meeting someone online feels like some weird sort of speed dating, because, after one conversation, you feel like you’re on the 15th date and all of a sudden, you’re all, “Wait, we’ve never actually met in person, but you know the intimate details of what I’d put where if you were here?” Yeah, this is weird.

Anyways.

I was saying that because online dating is cultivated in such a different way than offline dating, you get to know a person much faster than you would if you were just starting to date someone from the offline world, you know, QUOTE IN REAL LIFE UNQUOTE. Offline, it takes about seven dates spanned across a few weeks to really get to know the person, but online you’re on Gtalk for a long night and all of a sudden, you’re spilling about that one time when you were in Kindergarten and you got stung by a bee on your head and that probably traumatized you and that’s why you suck at studying, because OF THAT GODDAMN BEE.

Or, you know, other important topics of conversation in the same vein.

What I’m saying here is that this Two Week Rule is both awesome and terrible at the same time. Because the amount of people that do not captivate my attention for a measly two weeks is horrifyingly high. And it makes me want to go jump off a cliff or only have romances that last one week, six days and twenty-three hours, so I don’t need to deal with the unbelievable wave of disappointment that comes with realizing that, YET AGAIN, someone has bored me AFTER ONLY TWO WEEKS OF KNOWING THEM.

I know. I realize I’m a heartless bitch whose standards are probably far too high because my ego is bigger than my actual goods. Maybe, I’m the boring one. Maybe, my dear god, I’m the one that can’t keep someone’s interest for TWO WEEKS. Maybe, after all this time, I’m actually the person who isn’t awesome enough for really awesome people to date.

Hahahahahahahha. Yeah, right. Like THAT’S true.

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All the dreams I’ve had of cornering Pete Cashmore in a dimly lit Mashable party while shoving my face onto his after I’ve taken full advantage of the open bar were squashed when I realized that neither my own company, nor anyone else I work for would be willing to pay my way to SXSW so I could be a hot, drunk mess like everyone else.

God, my life is tough.

Anyways.

You know, I actually have a weird sense of freedom since I’m one of maybe five people on the internet who aren’t at SXSW. It’s like when your parents leave town for the weekend and all you want to do is invite every guy over ever and make bad decisions with them while stealing shots from the liquor cabinet. No? Just me? Really? COME ON PEOPLE.

What am I doing? What am I SAYING? No one is reading this. I could post the cure to cancer here and people would be all, “What? You cured cancer? Oh, fuck, I was at SXSW blasted out of my mind with [insert hot tech person here]!”

I think the people who aren’t at SXSW should all get together on the internet and fuck around with the people who are in Austin. Like, we should Google bomb them. Or, tell them that something has happened with Silicon Valley and they can’t do anything about it because they are in Texas and we’re going to fix it and they’ll get none of the glory. That’ll teach people to go to tech conferences with loose morals and open bars to make said morals looser. Ha! TAKE THAT SXSW! THE INTERNET IS OURS NOW, JERKS. WE’RE TAKING IT OVER AND CURING CANCER AND YOU’RE GOING TO COME BACK FEELING TERRIBLE. AND REALLY, REALLY HUNGOVER. HA!

No, I’m not bitter, why would you say that? No, I absolutely love seeing everyone I’ve ever wanted to spend five minutes with tweeting about how they are all in one room together and “Jamie, why aren’t you here!?” I love that. Totally. In honor of how much I love that, I have been drinking wine in excess. To, you know, celebrate. Celebrate my independence. And, the fact that SXSW is stupid and sounds boring and why would I want to be having hot tech orgies? Why would I want free alcohol shared with some of my favorite people on the planet?

Fuck you, SXSW. Fuck you and your awesomeness and your free stickers and your drunken hookups and your being so goddamn expensive. Nope, not bitter. Not at all.

(Photo (cc) Kenneth Yeung – www.thelettertwo.com)

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I’ve found the straw that’s breaking the camel’s back when it comes to bridging the gap between dating and technology. Shit, that was a lot of metaphors. I’ve had too much coffee. Like, really too much coffee. I’m shaking a little, but ANYWAYS.

We need to find a way to crowdsource our dates. Is it going to be Yelp or Foursquare or Gowalla who is going to crack into this viable marketplace? Or will a dark horse technology company situated in a random brick-walled office in San Francisco finally find a way for us all to spot the weirdos before we’re on date six with them? I’m rooting for the dark horse, because I like the underdog and because rooting for dark horses is always pretty trendy and cool to do.

So, I’m thinking something along the lines of a Yelp check-in thing:

“You have checked into Gloria’s vagina. There are thirteen reviews and her overall rating is 3 1/2 stars. Please see the Quick Tips for her erogenous zones and what she’d like to eat after having sex with you. She prefers you leave after twenty minutes of cuddling. She’s not looking for a serious relationship, but would prefer you take her out to dinner every once in a while. Would you like to meet her Regulars? Would you like to leave a review? How about emailing Gloria’s vagina to a friend?”

THIS IS GLORY! THIS IS GENIUS! WHY AM I GIVING THIS IDEA AWAY TO ALL OF YOU! BECAUSE I’M BEING GENEROUS! GO MAKE MILLIONS CHICKADEES!

I know, I sound like I’m joking, but I’m really not. This would revolutionize the way we date, people. All we’d need to do is login to Yelp (or that soon-to-be-popular dark horse application), put in the name of our date and check to see what other people have said about them.

Yelp has changed the restaurant industry for the better, since establishments are worried about getting unfavorable reviews. This review dating site/application would be a gift to HUMANITY. People would be so much nicer to each other if they knew their behavior was going to be reviewed and that said review could potentially ruin their chances to get laid again. I’M CHANGING THE WORLD WITH THIS IDEA. RAINBOWS. UNICORNS. GOLD STARS FOR ME!

While I’m pretty sure something like this definitely has some questionable privacy concerns, I’d say that overall it’s going to do much more good than bad. Think of all the time we’re going to save by being able to see if this chick puts out by the fifth date or this guy can actually give an orgasm.

This is valuable stuff. Not to mention, all the people we’ll be able to weed out because their reviews overwhelmingly point out that they become a raging tool after the third date. Douchebags Exposed! Bitches Pwned! These are just some of the blog post titles that will be associated with various write-ups of this new application. Mashable probably already has a draft written for it by now.

I’m basically just GIVING THIS TO YOU. FOR FREE. WITH BLOG POST TITLES AND EVERYTHING.

You’re totally welcome.

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Of course you do.

However, here’s the thing. I’ve decided to make up my fake dating life based solely on the amount of dating sites out there and I’d like to give you a preview of my future thanks to the world of technological advancement.

Firstly, I’d like to use eHarmony to find my mate of choice and thankfully now I can expand my market to include men and women, so, this gives me 100% better odds. Or maybe 50% better odds. I’m not entirely sure since I am clearly NOT a mathematician and am now spending so much mental energy on percentages that I’ve forgotten what I’m doing all together and whoa, weird, where did this margarita come from?

Anywho.

So, I’ll find either my dream wife or husband on eHarmony because they have scientific ways to match me up with my mate of choice. And then, after a couple months of romantic bliss, I’ll join Ashley Madison to have discreet affairs with people who are either also married or who have a particular affliction for married people. Planned affairs, for the actual win!

The Ashley Madison site says, “Life is short. Have an affair.” And, boy do I agree with that! Life sure is short and of course I’d want to commit to someone and then willingly cheat on them, because I obviously understand the importance of marriage has nothing to do with that whole committing to the person you love thing, but is more about just, I don’t know, being able to say I’m married. Plus, isn’t it more attractive to singles when I’m married? Like, I’m the un-gettable, but OH! SURPRISE! I’m gettable! Thank you, Ashley Madison. Thank you.

Then, once I have both my wife/husband and then my mistress or, uh, mister? What’s the male version of a mistress? Cabana boy? Okay, great, going with that. So, once I have my wife/husband and then my cabana boy, I’ll go onto SugarDaddies.com and find, what else? MY SUGAR DADDY! Hell fucking yes. I’ll have my poppa pay for things like trips to the Bahamas and purses from Marc Jacobs while I gallivant around town with my cabana boy and check in, from time to time, with my wife/husband. Win, win, WIN.

And, if that weren’t enough to satisfy my seemingly insatiable needs, I can always, you know, check into Adult Friend Finder and get a little nookie on the side. Unless, of course, that doesn’t work out, I can just sit on Chatroulette and flash complete strangers to satisfy my incessant need for validation from the outside world. Oh, to be shallow, dishonest and impossible to satisfy. This is the life, right?

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However, us women of the technological persuasion know that, at times, a cute boy will very much like to make an impression on us. And, how do you go about that without us thinking you’re a crazy person just looking to make a voodoo doll out of us? I mean, yes, I know, my imagination is a bit out of control, but it’s probably because I watch To Catch a Predator while drinking and that means things get a little crazy all up in my head space.

But, say you’re not creepy and you actually want to hit on a girl who is funny and smart and maybe also blogs, but you have no idea what to say other than, “I swear I’m not creepy, but I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re fantastic.” And, while, okay, that might work once or twice, it’s bound to have a much less success than failure rate, so here are some tips:

1. Don’t hit on her directly
What you should do is comment on her blog (if she has one), @ reply her on Twitter, and be particularly witty with your responses. Show her that you’ve been listening, reading, and giving an actual shit about what she has to say. And oh, oh! Definitely quote her writing back to her and be all, “You know, this is a particularly poignant sentence and I think about this a lot when I’m drinking sophisticated things like wine and thinking about how I would just like to find someone who appreciates romance and multiple orgasms.” WE LIKE THIS.

2. Do not ever Poke, Wink, or Nudge her
COP FUCKING OUT. If you are interested in a girl, I cannot stress enough that if you Poke her on Facebook before even sending her the cutest email you’ve ever sent in your life, then I will personally go to your house and stab you in your poking finger. Because, you’ll go through step number one, then you’ll add her on Facebook so she can see if there is any attraction and if you actually have a life. And, if you, before even emailing her something fantastic, POKE HER ON THE FUCKING FACEBOOK, she will never speak to you again. Because, this is equivalent to using a Hallmark card to declare your undying love and signing it, “Love, me.” HOW ORIGINAL.

3. Email her and make a serious impression
Off-handed @ replies will only get you so far. What you need to do in order to get this girl’s attention is to send her a fantastically-crafted email that both states your intentions and gives her a nice little rub-down all over her ego. Show her you’ve been paying attention, because you have the advantage to impress upon her that you like this girl for her mind and not just for her gorgeous rack eyes. Us girls eat that shit right up. BELIEVE ME HERE GENTLEMAN.

4. Make an honest move
Does the girl of your dreams live in Ohio, but you live in Nevada? If you weren’t willing to take a plane out there to sweep her off her feet, then you shouldn’t have gone through steps 1-3. There’s nothing sexier than a man who knows what he wants and will take the steps necessary to get it. If you’re going to be the type of person who isn’t creepy and genuinely hits on a girl virtually, then, you better get it together and take that shit offline. Unless you just want some hot sexting and she does, too, then sigh, you go get yours. HOT SEXTING FOR THE ACTUAL WIN.

Speaking of, where the fuck is my phone? I need to go tell someone what I’d do if he were here and… yeah…

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Anyone who knows me online is aware that I drink copious amounts of whiskey and that I took a one-way ticket to Rome and didn’t look back for three months. They know I was Vanessa in Rome. Vanessa Simone, a made up American author writing a fake book about love and sex around the world. THEY, to be 80′s romantic comedy Molly Ringwald-ish, GET ME. AND I GET THEM. Slow clap, single tear, lollipops and gumdrops.

Yet, when I go out into the wild real world, I meet someone and I’m all, “Oh, hi, how are you?” And he’s all, “Hi” and his eyes are not on my blog or my fantastic intelligence, but instead his eyes are undressing me. And, while, all right, that’s not the worst thing in the world, it’s also not the best. Because, sometimes, when I meet someone out and about, I want to sit them down with my iPhone, open up my blog, and be all, “Take a shot of Maker’s Mark, read up, and get back to me if you’re still interested in undressing me.” Which is to say one of the best ideas I’ve ever had.

Because, here’s how I want this to go: I want to see someone cute in a bar, hand him my iPhone, tell him to read my blog, my Twitter stream, this lalawag column, and then I want him to report back to me. On a scale of 1 to Never Want to See Me Again, are you at about a 5? I can work with a 5. I can work up from the middle. Oh yeah, I can definitely work up from the middle. God, that sounds so fantastically dirty. Mmm. Mind. Wandering. Stop.

ANYWAYS.

And, then, here’s what I want my future soul mate to do. I want him to QUOTE MY BLOG BACK TO ME. Why? Because, I’m a fucking narcissist. That’s why. And, then after he quotes me back my funny, I want him to slyly attempt to make out with me and I want to play a bit coy, but not coy enough that he thinks I don’t want to make out with him. Because, eventually, I’m going to stop being coquettish and I’m going to let him make out with me and then we’re going to live happily ever after.

Because, damn it, I want the best of both worlds. I want to meet someone IN PERSON, because online dating gives me hives. Actual, motherfucking hives. So, what I want to do is throw all my online awesome at someone in person and build the best damn relationship in the whole planet of relationships.

So, THERE Universe. I KNOW WHAT I WANT, NOW GIVE IT.

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Hey. It’s Jamie. Here’s the thing. I am kind of getting this feeling that you and I got off on the wrong foot here. Because, um, ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME? Is this a joke? I mean, it’s not funny. At first, okay, I admit, it was a little funny. Of course, throw hot married men and amazing guys with girlfriends in my face. Okay, I can handle that.

But, when I finally get my whole thing together for online dating and torture myself into some sort of profile-writing-submission, you throw men at me that have spelling errors and who wink at me surreptitiously. Next, are you going to have potential dates poke me on Facebook? IS THIS WHAT MY LIFE IS BECOMING? Pokes on the fucking Facebook and misspelled words? AWESOME. Thanks.

What you’re saying here, Universe, is that you’d rather me drink 3/4 a fifth of Maker’s Mark in ONE NIGHT instead of, you know, maybe actually date a cool guy? Is this what I’ve been led to believe here? Because, then you throw someone into my life who is amazing and who reads my blog and STILL WANTS TO TALK TO ME and I’m like, ok, well, this is good. This is a definite good start. My blog and general writing style serve as a fantastic way to weed out the weak boring incompatible.

So, this guy, we start talking and we move our DM conversation over to Gchat and ooh, la, la, right? BIG MOVE. And then, it’s all, yum, amazing, he’s awesome, we get along, wee! And then it’s all, oh, hey, great new guy that came along when I wasn’t even WANTING to date, you live in Washington? You don’t say? Well, ain’t that the kitten’s caboodle?

Because, here’s the godforsaken thing, Universe. I’ve been keeping track of my karma and, based on my records, I have done far more good deeds than bad deeds and so, at this point, I’m starting to think my love life is not based on any sort of merit system, but is actually just a byproduct of you being really fucking bored. Or drunk. Or potentially on acid. Because, and I’m going to just throw this the hell out there: YOU DO NOT HAVE MY BEST INTEREST AT HEART. I call bullshit on The Secret and Law of Attraction and I’m just going to go ahead and say you’re a fickle, fickle bitch, Universe.

And I want zero part of your shenanigans. If my karma is shooting through the roof and you’re still pulling tricks like this, then I am forced to make bad decisions, give karma the finger and just do what I want.

Come to think of it, that sounds like a damn good time. Who’s with me? SHOTS ON ME!

I mean, not literally shots ON me. We’re not doing body shots. At least, not tonight. Oh hell, what am I saying? OF COURSE we’re doing body shots tonight.

I’ve got a reputation to protect.

xoxo,

Jamie

(Photo from collegecandy.com)

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2. You’re way too picky
You looked at their pictures and they were wearing a red shirt and you’re all, “Ew, I don’t date people who wear red shirts” and so you closed your browser and sort of cried a little. Or, you looked at their interests and it said they actually liked reality TV. Just kidding. No one would ever publicly admit to that.

3. You are outgoing and have no idea why you are online dating when you can just go get drunk at a bar and meet someone
Isn’t it just as easy for you to go down to the bar on the corner, find a mildly attractive person and make bad decisions with them? At least that way, you won’t have to worry about filling out bullshit profiles and trying really hard to both sound exactly like yourself, but also like someone that other people might want to sleep with. Which, on most days, might be the same person, but also might not be at all. So, you can’t ever really tell. Wait, what was I saying? I’m sorry, I started drinking already. What? WHAT. IT’S HAPPY HOUR SOMEWHERE.

4. You are afraid of commitment
So, you’re attempting to sound like a serious person who wants to date, but also your answers and probably your general online-dating-vibe is that you don’t ACTUALLY want to date someone. But then you’ll get offended if they try to sleep with you on the first date. So, basically, you don’t win and your bed feels really cold and you wonder if you should have put out on last night’s date, but you didn’t because, well, MORALS. And, now you’re back to square one and you kind of think the mildly attractive person in the bar around the corner sounds enticing, except that they are only mildly attractive after lots of alcohol. So, that means they are not attractive at all. Which, whatever. WHATEVER.

5. You judge people who online date (including yourself)
You know how you say to yourself, “I don’t want to meet someone at a booty dance club, because what kind of person meets their wife/husband at a booty dance club? What would we tell the grandkids?” But then you go to the booty dance club hoping to meet someone and you realize OMG I’M THAT PERSON WHO I WOULDN’T WANT TO MEET AT A BOOTY DANCE CLUB. Oh, god. Oh, dear god. Yeah. That’s kind of how you feel about online dating.

*And by YOU, I clearly, 100% mean me.

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Anyways.

Where was I? Filling out my online dating profile? And, all around, kind of hating my life? Righty-o. Got it.

So, on OKCupid, I decided, before I stepped into the crazy fill-in-the-blank part of the profile, I’d answer some of the personality questions. The first multiple choice question was: If you had to name your greatest motivation in life thus far, what would it be? The choices were: 1) Love or Sex; 2) Money, Wealth, Prosperity; 3) Art, Music, Expression; 4) Intellect, Knowledge. THE HELL!? Um, all of the above? Except there wasn’t an option for that. So, if I say “sex” are they going to think I’m a total floozy who, after just a few Jack and Coke’s would be willing to skip the second and third date and just get all the way home? If I say, “money” are they going to think I’m one of those gold digger women who wants yachts and Louis Vuitton purses over something like, you know, real love? AND OH MY GOD THIS WAS THE FIRST QUESTION.

And, then, for real, I chugged some wine. Because, fuck, this was way too much pressure and for a recovering overthinker slash overanalyzer, these questions were far too general for me to even answer AT ALL. So, I skipped that question and the next one and the next one and I was all, I GIVE UP WHERE ARE MY CATS? I’m becoming a cat lady, that’s it! I’ll learn to love them and not be terribly allergic to them and I’ll pretend this whole online dating business never happened and yay! unicorns, strawberries and gold at the end of rainbows!

But, then, my logic got the best of me and was all, “Girl, you’re writing a column about dating and technology and your first assignment is to be all into online dating, so why don’t you, ya know, try that out?” And, then I was all, “DAMN YOU LOGIC YOU’RE ALWAYS SO RIGHT.” And, then I opened back up the browser and thought, “Let’s do this.”

So, I attempted to fill out the, “What are you doing with your life?” question, sent the answer to one of my friends, and she’s all, “Jamie, this isn’t LinkedIn; it’s a dating site. They don’t want your resume.”

And I’m all, “Bro. I’m proud of my damn accomplishments. Flaunt what you got, right?”

And, she’s all, “Yeah, but you sound so pretentious and la! la! look at me!”

And I was all, “But that’s kind of how I am?”

And she’s all, “But, you should probably not at all discuss that upfront. Also, you’re going to be alone forever.”

Except that conversation didn’t happen at all.

Except that she DID tell me it sounded like I was filling out a profile for LinkedIn and I did get a little bit defensive and I may or may not have taken five shots of Jack in succession if only to numb the blinding pain I was experiencing by filling out this damned online profile. Except now my answer for that question is this: “I w0rk for myslef and am a frelance write. Aslo, whisky.” Perfect. DONE.

Now I wait.

(photo by rpeschetz)

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